Truth may be...

well lets take a minute to understand that i really may no longer care or feel anything anymore maybe this is what's holding me back from succeeding right now i know i can pretend to be working so hard but truth is i am just lost in my head i feel like shit all the time and nothing ever seems to make it better i know i make more progress than you in life but mainly it is because i thrive on excellence or do i? now i live in exsistance and nothing more i walk talk and act as if things are getting better but i do know nothing is
i
   mean...
does anything ever change is anyone really capable of change? or are we all just waiting for the next big fuck up? i told you once i didn't want this to work and it took all of my courage to say it i have not made up my mind on why i want this to work other than in my head i just need it to for my sanity
or
   do
       i?
is it possible that some people are just made to meet to bring each other back into reality i know i cant bring you down here with the rest of the world but i blame this fact on your up bringing there was a time when i knew i was happy i knew i was beautiful enough to make anyone with a pulse happy i brought life into so many things around me and i maintained a good standing with people
but
     now....
i am afraid to step into public without someone covering me and sheltering me i cant stand the mindless chatter i constantly hear and im loosing the things i've learned i can read you like a book but yet you still lie to me you've been caught every time for a reason i dont just look to hope and find i read your cues and you tell me the story but a name is what i need i look because i hope i am not seeing things correctly
but
     it
       seems.
every time i look i see i am never wrong love you see is a crazy thing it will make you weak and stupid drop your guards and open right up but what happens when you're left standing with nothing at all but a blank stare that my friend is when the game has turned to war and you have just lost once you loose you are done defeated with nothing left to save you i have seen so much i wish i didn't have to but you have seen nothing of this world you dont understand the cruel reality we all face
accomplishments
                         mean
                                 nothing...
so win your war and think you're god that's fine with me continue on the path someone else told you was perfect and fuck up your life as much as you see fit but why drag someone else down with you when my life seems to promising from appearance i can change the world with a drop of a dime i could save a million with many years left to waste away you see me making it in this cruel harsh life and you hate to see that progress everyone else thrives to witness one day the life will be great but let's see if you're still in it i promised myself a long time ago that i would be happy with or without you there now i need the strength i used to have to say good bye to someone who wont change the question is when will i have it you build me up to tear me down what happens when you build me up and i build back my walls
sex
     is
        just
             an
                action....
to you much more to me just a means of survival i dont have to be in love to have sex i dont have to look anyone in the eye sex is power in my world and yes now you can fuck to the top it is an unfortunate event but i cant blame you for trying to get back at me but lets face the demise
you
     will
           never
                   win
let go and be free is something you're not achieving let go and be free is what keeps me moving i know  in life i have many things most do not i stood in line to obtain these assets and they dont leave with work i understand that maybe some things i've done were wrong but never without reason any child would say getting even is key but only a real man would say i'm better than this it seems to be there are so few men left stupidity has taken over and faith has met it's demise
truth
       may
              be
I AM READY FOR WAR

Backwards

So, I think I realized that right now this doesn't make any sense. You sit around and do nothing all day. You seriously in your head think it's okay that you don't do anything at all to help me. I'm tired and worn out but still no help. I am so tired of hearing how you work so damn hard when you don't put half of what I do in. Shit does not get handed to you in life. Can we please figure that out? You are such a spoiled brat who can not cope in life. Everything is someone else fault. It's ridiculous. I am so tired of waiting for you to grow up and be an adult it's not funny. Everything is always boo hoo my life sucks. Now, in reality your life is pretty nice, but I have to keep in mind you're a spoiled little brat who never grew up. I don't understand how so many people in this world can actually sit back and act like a complete fool and it's okay. I know I really should have left you by now and I keep promising myself that it's going to happen. When we met everything was great. You were great. Something changed or maybe I just figured out you're nothing  but a liar. You can explain all you want on why you're doing better now. Honestly, I really don't see how I can ever trust someone who threw everything away like it never happened. I get told I did it, I caused it. Logically you are wrong and I know that, but really I just hate listening to you bitch. I maybe 2 years younger than you, but act much older. You made me something I hate and I really want what I used to be back. Worthless men cheat, lie, steal, use, and abuse. What does this make you? Yet here I am trying once again to see if this will work. It is a never ending cycle of hell. I am miserable in my own mind. Every time the trust comes back you break it. You fuck it all up. You ruin everything I worked on. I begged for years and now you want to act right. I really don't get it. Supposedly you can do so much better. Then please by all means do better. No one would deal with this shit unless their stupid. Can something this shattered ever look the same after being glued back together? No, I think not. That's what I have become something tiny and meaningless in the back of your head. While you are out there doing what ever you want, acting however you see fit. Look back and remember who has always been there and who has always ended up on top. Deep down I know you can never treat me how I deserve to be treated. Part of me is begging for the abuse. I really don't get it. How can I be this stupid. I can't breath with you suffocating me.