Going outta my way

Somethings making me wonder what's really going on. I don't fully understand the connection. I'm better at pushing people away than I am with bringing them closer. With you I just want you close. I need to know that you're okay. You do the same thing with me. I act like I don't see it but I do. I see a lot more than I lead you to believe. Thats why I manage to put so much faith in you. I dont want you to be a waste of time but at least I know I've tried when it comes to you. It really does seem too good to be true sometimes. I just dont want you to go fuck up a good thing. Too many people have done that shit in the past. I'm good to you in everyway you could ask. I'm not used to shit being so easy with anyone. With you it almost comes naturally. I'm not sure why but ill take it for now.

He got me spun

This is the thing. I don't get how he does what he does but he does it well. I'm feeling the vibes, but scared of the consequences. I've been good given him all my attention and I can only hope he's done the same for me.

I don't understand...

I don't get why you so fucking mad at me right now. I don't want you to be mad at me. After yesterday I need more than just a fight right now. I'm trying can't you fucking see it. I know you didn't know me before but you getting another side to me than anyone ever has. I need you to see that right now. I'm not good with talking about actual things. I can shoot the shit and fuck around but I've been in another world for years. I want you to see the change you brought to me. There's just something about you that's pulling me towards you while you're pushing me away. I'm breaking and you're in control of the situation. Stop acting stupid before you throw something away.

I had a moment....

The moment lasted a year. My temporary laps in judgment is getting to me now. I'm feeling one man but still in love with another. I want to be this new mans everything but it's getting intense too fast. I'm scared I'm not enough for him tho he is giving me what you never did. I think the pain that should have hit me months ago is hitting hard today. I don't know what to do with my feelings right now. This is way more than I ever thought it would be. I don't understand how you managed to do the damage that you did. I'm angry on another kind of level. I'm trying not to cry and break, but I'm not sure that's a possibility right now. I want to cry and I need to feel. This man has me twisted because I never thought it was going to happen so fast. I hear a song and it spins me back to hurting over what you did. I was never just fucking you and you knew it. I can't just fuck anyone. This man knows that and I came at him right. He tells me over and over that I'm crazy and he's weird. I'm not crazy just lost right now. I don't know how to take these actions. You do and say things that get me fucked up to make me go back to you, but I don't want to. I hate you for what you did. I guess everyone has to experience the bull shit but I wish I never did. Sometimes I miss it but only when I feel lonely. I miss waking up and knowing that someone is there. I thought you cared, but I realize now you never did. I realize I was mistaken I didn't love you I just needed someone to make me see that I was going to be okay in the end. I'm okay and I know you care and you see that I'm going through the motions with someone else. I care about him and know that this is going to be more than I bargained for in the end. I've become a lot stronger since I left Bobby and most of that was because of you. Thank you for saving me. I think it's time to let go now tho. This man is sweet and gentle. I would hate to see his other side tho. I know he feels something and I know I feel more than I probably should. There are a lot of warning signs but I don't want to run away from him. I'm not pushing him away I'm just going with whatever comes. He makes me feel like I haven't in such a very long time. He calms me down and makes me want to do better. I know he's been hurt but, so have I. His wounds are a little more fresh than mine but I don't think you're meant to ever go back to who you used to be when you are with someone for so long. I guess we're going to see where this one leads me.

A year later....

Why are you still so hurt. You never loved me. That much you made so very clear to me. YOU cheated. YOU lied. YOU used me. It has NOTHING to do with the fucking gaming. I NEVER cheated on you. I TREATED YOU RIGHT. I'm a good woman. I'm honest faithful and loyal. I give my man EVERYTHING he wants and needs to make sure he makes it. I'm selfless when it comes to a relationship. That's why I don't let just any guy get close to me. If I listen to you and support you REALIZE WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE! I am so tired of hearing about how every woman out there is worthless and a liar. I have nothing in this world to lie to a man about. I've done a lot of shit in my past that I regret but I learned from my mistakes. Love is the worst emotion to waste and I'm not going to do it anymore. I maybe stuck in my feelings but that's who I am. Honestly, if anyone has a problem with me and my feelings they can jump off a bridge. I don't force anyone to talk to me. If you don't like me don't be around me. Don't sit there and think I'm going to go back to a shitty little boy. I want a man. I need a grown man that takes care of his shit. Someone who realizes I am a difficult but still good woman. I'm that ride or die chick. That one that's going to stand next to my man regardless of what he is going through. Don't get this shit twisted....