I don't want.... anything

I'm tired of feeling like this. Being brought down all the time over nothing. I'm better than this and I know that. I've tried over and over to turn nothing into something. You're stopping me from doing this. And over what? Nothing. I saw something in someone that I should have never seen. I'm about to run.

I've listened...

I've had this conversation over and over with so many different people. Why did I go so soft? That has to be the best question I've heard in years. Sometime between people around me dieing and getting my nursing license I found my heart. Since I apparently need to go back to being my hateful self just in order to protect myself from these dumb ass men who constantly keep walking in and out of my life I may just try it. I do have this thing with finding some worthless ass men to surround myself with. Opening up to someone isn't going to happen anymore. I think I've managed to learn my lesson this time. I am now stuck in a fucked up situation with a man that will most likely not amount to much of anything with someone who was just about the same equivalent trying to walk back in on some honesty shit. Should have been straight up from the start. I could have ruined that little boys life by telling his baby's mother what exactly he was doing. I chose not to thinking that feelings were too deep and too in the way to ruin someones family. Eventually karma came back around to bite him in the ass. This is the thing with that I never thought he would be dumb enough to try and come around me like that again. That difficult ass man decides to talk to me and try to rekindle an old situation despite his baby mother living with him and him trying to work something out with her. Are all men this fucking stupid or just the ones I tend to meet? With this individual he was wrong to go back to her honestly. She cheated. She threw away the entire relationship and family for a man who made more money. So, is she going to change? Fuck no! His mistake. I'm not going to tell him shit just watch the crash and burn. No, I'm not going to let him come back into my life, ever. I give him respect on the fact he managed to give me the strength to walk away from a fucked up abusive as hell relationship I never thought I would be able to get away from. I thought I was stuck and the only way I was going to get out was in a casket. I was going through hell and not willing to keep it up anymore. It was a point in my life where one man managed to take away everything I had. Not just all the material things that you think you need he managed to take away my safety. He took away any vision I had of myself and took me to one of the darkest places I've been. This guy walked into my life and dragged me away from all of it. So, for that, I do thank him from the bottom of my heart and I know this. I have yet to let him know any of that and that's where all those feelings came from. If I die tomorrow I hope someone would tell him.
Now, this new one is something odd. Everyone says it's love, but we can say fuck that entire situation. It's an overbearing situation that I have no idea what to do with. He gives me some strength, but takes away some of my sanity in payment. I don't understand him and he can't even begin to understand me. Every time I'm willing to explain some of what I've been through that explains why the fuck I seem to be so difficult he won't let me. So, fuck him. It's been 3 months of dealing with him and he knows how to manipulate the situation in his favor. I'll give him credit for that. He gets what he needs from me but I feel like I don't get shit from him in return. So, since nothing seems to be changing in the ways it needs to be changing. If I don't get that respect from him he won't get it from me. That's the only think I can figure to do anymore. I know his reaction will be to say fuck it and walk away. If he cares as much as he tries to make me believe he cares he wouldn't be so quick to walk away. I'm starting to think he must be an idiot. I let him get to know me, the real me, not the fake bitch everyone else seems to see. I'm loyal, faithful, honest. I fuck up yes, but I don't hide it. I'm a flirt I don't always mean to and really have no interest in most of the men I flirt with it's just in my personality. Oops. I try to fix it but he doesn't give it back so fuck it. I'm going back to my hateful antisocial ways to avoid all the bull shit. I'm tired of losing my sanity over a man who doesn't know what he has in front of him. Who knows he's a dog but doesn't see you don't have to dip your dick to create another fucked up situation with women. I'm done with feeding into the extra bull shit. Somewhere along this long ass road from that abusive relationship I'm finding my strength in myself again. So, thank you to everyone who held me down, and made it clear I was worth so much more.

Suffocated thoughts....

Society says we aren't supposed to think or say a lot of different things in life. Here is the truth it isn't society that says we don't have to think or say these things it's the weak mind we allow ourselves to have. To be honest I'm not scared to things that manage to come out when I write. I'm to weak to be rejected. Yes, at some point I fell in love with this complicated man who in the end may just love me back. That's the worst and scariest thing I've encountered. I don't care what anyone says it is so much easier to love someone who doesn't love you back than it is to love someone that still loves you regardless of what flaws you may have. I have more flaws than what I really should have but I let these men ruin who I really am. I've been trying for more than a year now to get back to who I really am and it tends to be more difficult than what it really should be. I have so many twisted thoughts in my head that I just can't seem to let out in fear of rejection. Like right now I should be next to him and instead I'm glued to music and this god damn blog that can't give me a response. This one songs seems to hit me the hardest making me remember shit I don't want to remember. I stay glued like I know what I think he wants but, still again here I am watching him making these beats that are a major piece of my inspiration in my life which is another thing I just won't tell him. I do everything I can to try and hide everything from him that I can. I want to tell him why it is that I'm crazy as fuck but just can't let everything that needs to come out just come out. I play a game and make him guess. I don't want to make him guess anymore. I could do so much to make this shit better but I just tend to refuse to do anything the way I'm supposed to. I write and write trying to tell myself it's okay to keep everything inside instead of being honest and real. Let's just put on this front.

Leasing action

It's so much easier to run then it is to stand and admit and open up to someone regardless of what really is going on. Everything always seems like a damn game. I guess none of this is a game but there's still that possibility in the back of my head that this all is some sick fucked up kinda shit. What happens when that's all this is? All this stress in my life seems to disappear when I'm here with him. There is a certain level of calm that comes with him. All this time of me flipping out and going off and one person makes me sit down and shut up. I may not really want to or  get mad at the time being that this type of control is had by someone who really shouldn't have it. At this point I cant take any of it back and this is all completely out of my hands and I think for now I'll take it. The one thing I'm tired of is hearing all the bull shit excuses. I don't want to hear any of the lies anymore. Everyone my entire life has done nothing but lie to me about stupid shit. I would rather just be told the truth. I maybe sensitive but I'm still stronger than what most people seem to think. If I wasn't I don't think I would have ever made it through my past the way that I have. Underestimating someone is one of the worst things that you could ever do. I swear I need to start charging people rent for my head space. I've always been that one to come to the rescue and to try and save the world. No matter what ever seems to go wrong I'm there to try and save everything. I think I'm burnt out from this part of my life. Now I'm to a point where I'm just going to sit back and watch everything fall apart and not try to catch anyone. It's bull shit that I'm the baby in my family and everyone seems to count on me to save everything. Then everyone around me tries to figure out why I'm losing it. I can't fix everything...

I'm on one....

This seems to be the problem now. People having children and using them as a pawn in some twisted fucked up kinda game. Here's the thing. You fucking up society. So the next time you're at the store wondering why that kid running around looking like a side line trick remember your generation is what's raising these hateful ass children running around trying to stick it to their daddy who's never around because mommy decided to get pregnant with a worthless man to try and keep him from stepping out. If this man is that fucked up why the hell would you try to keep it together. Let him go cause that child isn't going to be anything but a piece in a game that isn't worth playing. Women you're fucking stupid. It doesn't take a man to raise a child anymore. Stop holding onto these men that hold you down. Men are fucking stupid cause they stay stuck on worthless women that try and ruin their lives. If she's that god damn vindictive to you over mistakes from the past she never fucking loved you. Get off this stupid shit. Love isn't something to be played with anymore. This is a word thrown away like it means nothing. The action is given to anyone who pays attention to you. This emotion is too strong to be played with. If someone loves you be careful of what's to come. People been hurt so much now that everything becomes a game. Love can make you do some stupid shit that in the end you're going to regret. It's time for people to wake up. It's getting to a point where it's impossible to try and care about anyone because everyone's too god damn damaged to look towards the future. Learn to let go of your past and realize there are still good people left in this world. Honesty isn't dead it's just hard to find. Learn how to read the situation and be sober long enough to realize what's really going on. Getting faded everyday doesn't help anything but cover up the truth. Pain is a bitch but it's only temporary. God gives us situations to face only to test us and make us stronger. Not to make us bitter and evil. I personally refuse to let anyone effect me that much. I have one hell of a huge heart but I don't let whatever bullshit I've been through in my past fuck up my future. I'm ready for something amazing to come along but I'm not begging or looking for it. This world is shifted. There is no changing the world without changing yourself. Be willing to be good and live for yourself first and allow only positive outlets into your life. Leave all that evil extra shit in the past where it belongs.

What to do....

I'm faced with a difficult decision and in the end I think we both know who you really are. I've given you your choice and you seem to be making all the wrong decisions in the end. I'm a good woman and everyone seems to know this but you. Again on that looking for a fuck up bull shit. I'm done being that one. I don't want these pointless mind games that you say you aren't playing. You lie too much. I'm not stupid and I'm not blind I see what's going on. I know certain things are completely out of reach for you and accept this. But using and abusing a good person Is going to ruin you. I don't have time for any of the bull shit. Right now I'm stuck on conceded. Better learn to love it.

TF

My ability to over look what should be simple is diminished. You've managed to ruin a good thing without even looking twice. This is why I maintain damaged men (which is all of them at this point) are evil. I can repeat over and over I'm not that person. I've changed my ways to become something better than what I was. I year ago I would have wrecked your emotions and brought you down to where, in my head, I thought you needed to be. A year ago this would have been completely opposite. Instead of being the evil heartless bitch I probably should be to you I treat you so much better than I really should.

Continued testing with lack of amusement

I'm trying and you say you are... I maintain this is a lie. When you walk away from something you leave it whole heartedly in the past. You keep looking back like something in that situation is going to be better. I've seen this all before and played this game more than once. I tend to hate games more than the next one because I stopped playing them a long time ago realizing I wasn't just hurting others I was hurting myself.  My patience is wearing thin at this point and you know this. What is ultimately going to be the outcome? I think you're fucking up but its my fault tok cause I'm letting you play this game.

Tired....

I have tried over and over to make sense of this entire situation. It doesn't make any sense. I'm angry and hurt and I've finally managed to run out of things to say. Are you really this stupid? Can you really not open your eyes? In your mind you've fallen behind and we both know this. I've ignored so many signs I really should have paid attention to. I know I'm a strong person, but I'm not this strong anymore. I've been through this shit before, but this is stinging a little deeper than it should. Everything has gone so fast that I've managed to lose track of what was happening in front of me. Do I sit back and wait for you to make your decision? Or should I just walk away completely? Walking away seems to be the easiest, but it isn't what my heart is telling me to do anymore. I'm still here. I always have been here. You've been everywhere but where you should have been. This shit kills me. You know it does. I'm making all these changes, and giving you  my best. You're giving me your best and your worst. I want to be done but something keeps pulling me back. I know what you're going through. I did it too. I just don't want to be a pawn in your fucked up game. I saw what I did to my ex and my possibility when I went through this and in the end I lost everyone. I managed to push away everyone. The first person I let in is doing the same thing to me I've done to someone else. I guess this is karma right? Praying isn't getting me anywhere anymore. I've said this over and over before.... I lost my hope for my knight in shinning armor a long long time ago. Every little girl wants that man to sweep her off her feet. I wanted that too but lost it somewhere in translation. I've gotten to the point that I can't even talk about how I feel anymore. I rely on this bull shit blog to vent what really should be said. I don't and do want you to find this. I want you to see this torment you're putting me through. Even on this my thoughts are shielded. I avoid the fact that I very well could be in love with this ass hole who was just supposed to be something to pass the time. I don't understand if I'm getting older so shit is getting more intense with every person I meet.... Or if this is really some type of elevated emotion. Fuck this elevated emotion bull shit. I just can't keep going through all these mixed emotions and manage to keep it together. Make up your fucking mind. It really can't be that god damn difficult in the end. I mean damn you get everything you ask of me. Everything! I get nothing without some force behind it. SMDH. I can't even begin to break this down and make sense of it. I think I maybe done trying. Please just realize I'm trying and I expect you to be doing the same.

Gotta be this way...

You give a man a choice. It's stay or walk away. They always seem to pick the wrong damn choice. It is so much easier in life to walk away from the things that in reality are worth working for. This is where most people seem to mess up. I'm more than willing to work, but I cant be the only one working at this in the end. That quickness and ease you showed to be able to walk away tonight was more than enough to get that point across to me. You're not ready for someone like me. I know you've been hurt in the past and I more than most tend to understand this. It's a damn shame I can't tell you how I feel to your face. It's even worse that you think I'm really this difficult. You have read me so very wrong. I can't do much to change this. When I'm finally willing to talk about my feelings you're not willing to listen. When I don't want to talk about them is when you seem to ask me about them. Neither of us really wanted this in the beginning. I don't think either of us really know what to do with this either. It maybe over, but it might not. Breaking may have been a necessary piece to this puzzle for me. Now it's time to see if you

Still standing...

My agitation level appears to be running much higher than what it really should be. I'm not sure what to do with all these thoughts that appear to be running through my head. It's hard just to get them to stop. I'm pretty sure this is why I've never been sober. Drinking is more than just my outlet it's my sanity. It tends to get everything in my head to just stop. After last night I've realized I just want out of all these fucked up situations. I left one in the past without hesitation. There was a lot of pain involved in that entire situation. It wasn't even love that's the best part. It was an odd sense of security. Instead of letting go of the past and growing this person decided to keep running back to the person who did all that damage to them. I've grown apart from being able to hold onto elevated feelings at this point. I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm known for running from my feelings and giving people much more than what they deserve. I have this faithful complex that I just cannot sleep with more than one person in any given period of time. I can only give my body to one man for any extended time period. The trick is I fuck with no feelings involved. The second I start to realize there are feelings involved from either side I tend to run from them. With this new man despite whatever feelings there are from either side I'm still standing here. I have no idea what the fuck I'm thinking anymore. At first I was too drunk that I couldn't grasp how intense it was getting. Now I'm sober and remain here even though my mind is telling me to walk away before he manages to get the rest of the way into my fucked up mind. Some bigger part of me is telling me to just wait and see what happens with him. I know most of my family will walk away from me if something comes from this situation. I think in my mind I don't even give a fuck anymore. I'm tired of living my life to make everyone else happy. I don't want to wake up one day and regret not living for myself. So, I'm staying and seeing where this will end up. Part of me knows I'm going to end up crushed by this man who's just as mean and fucked up in the head as I am. He has managed to become such a large part of my life without me even realizing it. He is becoming and inspiration to become a better and stronger person. He is managing to change things about me that have needed to change for years but I refused to allow to change. People around me are seeing this change and really aren't sure how to take it anymore. It's a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. I always said I would never change for any man. I see something so different in this man though he does tend to try and put on a front. He is a beautiful and caring person but manages to be evil at the same time. I don't think I can really say anything at this point because I have been the same way for years at this point. I let someone from my past cause too much damage to my heart to let someone in. I'm giving him all of me without having control over it. I have stopped everything I've been doing to cope with my past at this point and these ideas and emotions are rushing in. I find myself more able to be happy now without forcing it. I've been miserable for years. Living in my head because it seems safer and now I'm blurting out these ideas and thoughts like they're nothing with him. He has given me a real sense of safety and I have no idea where it is coming from. It's odd to be honest. So many men have come in and out of my life attempting to make me into this perfect person for them and have all failed. This man comes into my life on accident and creates this outlet to allow me to become better. I don't even think he manages to realize the pull he has on me and what he really is doing to me. He points out my faults with a gentleness no one has ever done before. All this just makes me want to change it knowing that it makes me a heartless and careless human. I catch myself thinking about him and knowing something good will happen if we both let it. This idea is what tends to scare me the most. I've been lost for more than 7 years and seem to be finding where I am supposed to be in my life and wanting to strive for better. After 4 months of going through hell with this man for no reason. I will not let this lesson or blessing become a waste.

Relapse

No smoking. No drinking. No outlet for these bottled up emotions. I'm trying and you see that. I give you so much more than what you really deserve. We both know this. You lie to yourself. You lie to me. No secrets my ass. I don't want to talk. It takes too much work. I get a lot of don't do this don't do that. Fuck it. All you're doing is setting up double standards.  You do whatever you want... what the fuck. You think you're so much a catch I can't do better. You're attractive but your heart is twisted. I hate to tell you but living on looks gets you nothing but smuts. Such a damn shame. You really are going to waste a good thing over bull shit. I'm a good woman, but this much you are too blind to see. But lets be honest... faithful and loyal isn't what you deserve. Straighten up cause while I'm moving forward you're stuck going backward. I would hate to leave you behind.