Another let down

 I am beginning to think that everyone avoids the responsibility of growing and advancing. I have chased a dream for years to make a positive change in the things that I do. Working in my field there is not much change that can be made. I have seen so many things in the past 15 years working in healthcare. Most, are things I would rather forget but most of my patients I have taken everywhere with me at least in my heart. This job allows me to only work weekends and some time in the evening on Mondays to be a full time employee and spend my time at home with my boys. I no longer have to pay for daycare, I have paid off my care so I have reduced my outs per month by 1500. We are no longer struggling to make ends meet like we were. I don’t have to budget so tight so for that much we are very blessed. 

Seriously Less Than Impressed....

How can you say you're going to do something you are completely incapable of? Let's face it you are far from being a real man. Real men pay bills and at least attempt not to start shit with women they love. They dont have to fight for attention from their women because they treat them right from jump. Women are fragile creatures. They don't want to be treated like anything other than what they believe they're worth. And face it no woman will ever get better or be better to a man who make them an option. The worst thing you can do is constantly threaten to go on to the next bitch.... Alright if that's all you want I got bitch for you boo.

Tired...

I'm tired of playing these games with you. I wish everyone could see I don't have the energy for anything out of place. It seems like a test but I don't see the point in wasting time on tests when there are bigger things in play. Only of the weakest men you find test and torment. So is it worth it? I have no out let and to be honest no hope. Situations beginning and ending in hatred and distaste never last long. Everyone needs to find people to accept in their life who uplift and bring love into a dark world. What happens when you bring darkness into more darkness? An absence of light will make you see the most twisted images of those who once seemed angelic. Demons hide in plain sight. It's a shame when these demons surround you and you wake up too late to realize the damage being done.

Would you walk up to my casket and kiss me.....

Getting lost in your head tends to be the safest alternative. I can sit here and get lost in front of anyone but very few can follow my fucked up way of thinking. A needle can tear a hole as long as you let it. I thought that love could be sweet until you manage to turn it sour. Who would have thought? It shouldn't have to be like this. I stay lost on purpose. One day you may just wake up and realize that shit. I created a monster... Yes I did...

I've lost my ability to try...

Lets get one thing straight. I don't do this stupid love shit for a reason. Getting twisted and caught up is not exactly something I ever wanted. Im good with protecting myself from everyone. I've done it for years and breaking that habit isn't exactly the easiest thing in the world to do. Now that some dumb ass part of me wants to let go all of my protective measures I get stopped dead in my tracks. I know my side I know where im coming from but I have no fucking idea about the other piece of the puzzle. Im scared. What part of that is so hard to understand?  Isn't it common now? Do you really think a woman that's worth a damn is going to trust your ass? It a not very likely. In an effort not to hold anyone's past against them im still here. All I want to do is run the fuck away from all of this. Something just keeps holding me here I don't know what and im starting to hate it. God does every thing for a reason and lets face it.... this shit is beyond the point of being out of my hands. All I can do is sit back and pray begging for an explanation of why the fuck there has to be so much pain involved in this god damn situation. If it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger doesn't seem worth it right now. I understand im just living in the present but that's all im guaranteed ever. Can it really be seen that wrong? Fuck it... I can never do anything right and im starting to feel worth with you than with anyone else. I get it im not an easy person to deal with but someone has to be able to see this shit. I know you cant because its easier to see what you want to see than it is to see what's really in front of you.

I deserve better than this....

I'm tired of saying it. I know I do but, it seems like you tend to forget you aren't dealing with a basic bitch. I maybe complicated, twisted, crazy and 10 levels of fucked up but, you knew from the jump I didn't expect to be treated like the last smut. I maybe in my feelings all the time but, I am a woman regardless of what you want to realize. It might just be easier to walk away and keep my family. I know my dad knows which is why he won't speak to me. I ignore most of the hate that keeps coming my way because of this situation. At some point my mind has to break and I have to walk away. Cause lets face it. You aren't man enough to acknowledge the facts.

Stuck...

I can't stand a man that is incapable of being faithful. Doing dirt may just be a part of life now, but I can't deal with it. I'm not the type of person who can throw away someones feelings for a temporary fix of my issues. I'm the type of person who will fight fuss and sleep everything away not cheat. People always ask me why I always run away from any type of relationship that I'm faced with. This is why... No one male or female know what the fuck loyalty and honesty is anymore. Let me come to any man in the game right now with some honesty and treat him right and it's not going to fly. It's stupid. I shouldn't be considered one of a kind based of the fact im loyal and honest. I'm never going to cheat. I've had it happen to me too many times to just run around fucking anyone who pays attention. And lets face it.... I get enough attention that I would be a trained whore if I did. Even if I only fucked with men who had something to offer other than a headache I would still be one wrecked bitch. I maybe difficult most of the time but it's only because I don't trust anyone that looks my way. Don't get it twisted I can catch feelings but look what happens every time. It's easier to just run around and put it down with no feelings involved because at the end of a 5 year long train wreck of a relationship and 2 fucked up relationships before that. Not to mention every fucked up situation that I've managed to get myself into since I walked away from someone I could have actually made it work with. My heart is spent. I'm worn the fuck out. Come to me talking about having their kid has happened more than once but only by men who aren't capable of providing. It takes more than sperm to be a daddy. Any man can give me some sperm and a headache very few can show me they're capable of providing for a family. I don't want a bunch of baby daddies. I want one man to be the father of all my kids and if I fuck it up I'm only going to do it once. I don't need one in the first god damn place. Fucking with these men that do nothing but cause drama in my  life. SMH. Jealous bitches that don't understand the entire situation.