Trying

I'm trying and that's something I hope you can see. I take care of you and your family the best I can. I see your attitude with me is changing. I know your trying too. At least that's what I want to see. I don't want to fall for a bull shit game and by the end of the day I hope you aren't playing with me. These feelings are running deep even if it means I'm going to end up throwing away my family in the process. To me their reservations are childish saying some bull shit about how they feel it isn't right. In the end it is my decision not theirs. I understand that because of my sister they don't want to see anything happen to me but damn. I'm attempting to not hold any piece of my past against you even though it's proving to be very difficult. Just realize I'm trying and I want this to work. Even if it isn't love it's something. Some type of connection that makes no sense. This is something that's new to both of us.

Sometimes

I just want to know you a little better... I know the reservations. I understand better than you think I do. I'm coming from a similar situation. I want to know where the pain I'm constantly seeing is coming from.

How long will a good day last

You're finally figuring it out. I've said over and over I'm not as difficult as you make it seem to. Its a matter of not pushing and seeing where the pain comes from. You love your music I love my books. We both work and work hard.

Smh...

Still listening to some extra shit.  I wish instead of giving you a chance I would have just walked away. That would have been a better idea. Whats the point? I'm not sure I really know what to do anymore. I never thought any of this was gonna get to me. Obviously I was wrong. Sometimes I wish I could say what's really on my mind instead of hiding the shit. I don't think you could really handle what I really think. You ain't ready for a woman like me. Very few men are I just wish you would get it together before I gotta walk away.

Pushing tempting and twisting

I'm not sure where the hell this is going sometimes it seems good and sometimes it seems like shit always so god damn concerned with how others precieve you why does it always have to be like that why can't it just be right why does everyone else's opinion seem to matter so much I'm trying my hardest to ignore what appears to be obvious and make the best out of a shafted situation smdh grow up move on I'm done I don't want to hear anymore of this shit from you I dont want to deal with anymore of your drama

Testing...

I'm tired of this typical shit. Too busy texting other people to realize what's sitting behind you. I think I would rather just stay at home then constantly keep goin thru this shit. I've tried and right now I'm close to spent. I think its time some shit changed. I'm done with the one sided bull. Make it even or walk away. What is with these men thinking they get everything and don't have to give anything back? Are there any good men left out there. A real man that's good without the front.

Typical morning...

Or is it??? Hes still asleep and has been all night. I'm sitting here trying to analyze this night. I'm not sure if he wanted me to stay, but i decided to anyway. This morning everyone is gone.  I guess at work. I'm sitting on the couch and he's upstairs asleep. I known I'm becoming too attached. Its becoming impossible to walk away. I know whatn he's capable of and I know I most likely deserve better, but I remain content in this situation. I can't tell him what I want to and I keep thinking I'm not good enough for him. Most of this situation is out of my hands but I like not having control of everything. A lot more people know about our situation than I thought so I just keep my mouth shut. This is not what this was supposed to be and sometimes I wish he would just be open with me. Sometimes I think he's lying to cover up the truth, but I keep trusting him regardless of the doubt I have in certain situations. I get on here and type to my hearts content because its easier than being tossed asside. He tells me over and over I should have walked away when I found out about his breakup but by the time I found out how serious it was I was in too deep. Now I'm too the point that I'm afraid of losing him. He managed to become such a large part of my life and I'm not sure how it happened. I'm giving him a chance and this maybe his last. He pushed that limit and I think he knows he did. I can take a lot but I'm not going back to where I was before. People see the negative in him but I see much more. I don't want to be wrong and I hope at least one good thing does come out of this. Its been over a month of constantly still dealing with him and only him. I let him do what he wants and needs to see that I'm not abusing his trust. Though he flips out over the dumbest shit and fails to see who and what I really am. I don't think he's dumb enough to believe the shit I think its just his emotions getting the best of him.

Less than impressed

Its been a long time since I've been this calm and I've never been this open with anyone but instead of seeing shit clearly you let it all become a haze you see shit incorrect you don't own me and i dont own you shit would be so much simpler if everyone understood the idea of being faithful but that shit doesn't exsist anymore people are so concerned with using other people instead of working to get ahead hearts break in the balance I don't want to get hurt anymore and we both know that...

Too close

I'm way too close to loving this man I don't understand how he's doing this to me i don't know if i want to understand all I know is despite the fact he stays stressed and takes some of it out on me we mesh well together our one on one time is perfect and these feelings are intense with or without the sex I just hope I'm his only right now cause he occupies most of my time and will power right now and I dont want that to change any time soon I just want him and i just want something beautiful to come out of this

damn...

this shit is harder than what it should be we fight and argue over nothing because of whatever it is going on in your life i worry and flip over shit i have no control over the threats and yelling is becoming defining im trying and you dont see it all i want is for you to stay and be strong i know this shit doesnt make any sense and for me it takes me to another level idk what it is that im supposed to do but i know right now im losing it

Going outta my way

Somethings making me wonder what's really going on. I don't fully understand the connection. I'm better at pushing people away than I am with bringing them closer. With you I just want you close. I need to know that you're okay. You do the same thing with me. I act like I don't see it but I do. I see a lot more than I lead you to believe. Thats why I manage to put so much faith in you. I dont want you to be a waste of time but at least I know I've tried when it comes to you. It really does seem too good to be true sometimes. I just dont want you to go fuck up a good thing. Too many people have done that shit in the past. I'm good to you in everyway you could ask. I'm not used to shit being so easy with anyone. With you it almost comes naturally. I'm not sure why but ill take it for now.

He got me spun

This is the thing. I don't get how he does what he does but he does it well. I'm feeling the vibes, but scared of the consequences. I've been good given him all my attention and I can only hope he's done the same for me.

I don't understand...

I don't get why you so fucking mad at me right now. I don't want you to be mad at me. After yesterday I need more than just a fight right now. I'm trying can't you fucking see it. I know you didn't know me before but you getting another side to me than anyone ever has. I need you to see that right now. I'm not good with talking about actual things. I can shoot the shit and fuck around but I've been in another world for years. I want you to see the change you brought to me. There's just something about you that's pulling me towards you while you're pushing me away. I'm breaking and you're in control of the situation. Stop acting stupid before you throw something away.

I had a moment....

The moment lasted a year. My temporary laps in judgment is getting to me now. I'm feeling one man but still in love with another. I want to be this new mans everything but it's getting intense too fast. I'm scared I'm not enough for him tho he is giving me what you never did. I think the pain that should have hit me months ago is hitting hard today. I don't know what to do with my feelings right now. This is way more than I ever thought it would be. I don't understand how you managed to do the damage that you did. I'm angry on another kind of level. I'm trying not to cry and break, but I'm not sure that's a possibility right now. I want to cry and I need to feel. This man has me twisted because I never thought it was going to happen so fast. I hear a song and it spins me back to hurting over what you did. I was never just fucking you and you knew it. I can't just fuck anyone. This man knows that and I came at him right. He tells me over and over that I'm crazy and he's weird. I'm not crazy just lost right now. I don't know how to take these actions. You do and say things that get me fucked up to make me go back to you, but I don't want to. I hate you for what you did. I guess everyone has to experience the bull shit but I wish I never did. Sometimes I miss it but only when I feel lonely. I miss waking up and knowing that someone is there. I thought you cared, but I realize now you never did. I realize I was mistaken I didn't love you I just needed someone to make me see that I was going to be okay in the end. I'm okay and I know you care and you see that I'm going through the motions with someone else. I care about him and know that this is going to be more than I bargained for in the end. I've become a lot stronger since I left Bobby and most of that was because of you. Thank you for saving me. I think it's time to let go now tho. This man is sweet and gentle. I would hate to see his other side tho. I know he feels something and I know I feel more than I probably should. There are a lot of warning signs but I don't want to run away from him. I'm not pushing him away I'm just going with whatever comes. He makes me feel like I haven't in such a very long time. He calms me down and makes me want to do better. I know he's been hurt but, so have I. His wounds are a little more fresh than mine but I don't think you're meant to ever go back to who you used to be when you are with someone for so long. I guess we're going to see where this one leads me.

A year later....

Why are you still so hurt. You never loved me. That much you made so very clear to me. YOU cheated. YOU lied. YOU used me. It has NOTHING to do with the fucking gaming. I NEVER cheated on you. I TREATED YOU RIGHT. I'm a good woman. I'm honest faithful and loyal. I give my man EVERYTHING he wants and needs to make sure he makes it. I'm selfless when it comes to a relationship. That's why I don't let just any guy get close to me. If I listen to you and support you REALIZE WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE! I am so tired of hearing about how every woman out there is worthless and a liar. I have nothing in this world to lie to a man about. I've done a lot of shit in my past that I regret but I learned from my mistakes. Love is the worst emotion to waste and I'm not going to do it anymore. I maybe stuck in my feelings but that's who I am. Honestly, if anyone has a problem with me and my feelings they can jump off a bridge. I don't force anyone to talk to me. If you don't like me don't be around me. Don't sit there and think I'm going to go back to a shitty little boy. I want a man. I need a grown man that takes care of his shit. Someone who realizes I am a difficult but still good woman. I'm that ride or die chick. That one that's going to stand next to my man regardless of what he is going through. Don't get this shit twisted....

Ugh.

Well, the truth is I miss him. I know I gave him his choice but I wish he would have picked the other one. He knows thats what I wanted, but still. I can't fix the things he has been through in his life but he never let me try. I know I was good to him. I know I deserved a lot better. At some point I've stopped caring. At least it's easy not to cry now. I'm not sure where all these emotions have come from, but they're here. Everyone always said I never had any, but at some point in my life that did change. I met someone else at work. He's sweet and very gentle. It's been so hard to get this other one out of my head to concentrate on the new person placed in front of me. I've been honest with him and explained my situation. He says he understands and is willing to see where it leads anyway. In the end I'm not sure it matters considering I'm not sure what to do with a man that treats me right.

Breathe Deep

I was forced to take a deep breathe at this point. I think I'm giving up on the extra bull shit. Love is love and in the end I doubt there is anyway of trying to fix it. I let go but not completely. I've made my mistakes, but I've been forgiven. I've prayed over and over and one day God will answer me. I know I need help at this point and I know these lovely women I work with try so hard to fix my broken little world. To be honest at this point I'm tired. One of the guys that sits with one of my residents told me today besides my "beautiful clear blue eyes" what makes me so damn special in the end is the fact beyond my rough exterior I have a massive heart that I give to everyone in my life no matter how small the part they play. My resident see me, the real me, the no bull shit happy go lucky loving person that I really am. My employees see this "little girl" with enough drive to stop the earth from spinning. My friends see me as this weak person who's tired of loving the wrong people. People that don't really know me see this bitch that doesn't give a fuck about anything. Well here is the catch. I give my heart to little boys who don't know what to do with it. I love hard not like your typical person. I don't try to change people. I try to make them stronger. I'm weak and strong at the same time, but too much strength always turn into a weakness. I'm mean, but only to people who don't deserve my love. I LOVE my friends. Don't come near me if you can't handle my mouth. They tell me at work all the time. "You don't give a fuck what comes out your mouth." I do care but I'm a tough love person. If I say it, it's how I see it. This is what I see now. You're a user, abuser, victim, arrogant, lazy, noncompliant piece of shit who's afraid of doing better. I'll be here when you grow the fuck up, but until that day I'm going to stay mad. Yes, you make me mad. Yes, I want to beat the fuck out of you. Yes, I love you more than I want to. No, I didn't ask for this. I don't know what to do, and I don't know what to say. I know I love you. I know I hate that I love you.

Little boys breaking hearts...

These little boys running around claiming no relationships. What the fuck is going on with people today. I'm a weird one who hides everything from people, but damn. How are you going to run around and fuck anything that moves and drags women around behind leaving a wake of pain and torment in your dust but in the end claim that you're in love with someone else. Obviously you just don't know what love really is. I'm not sure anyone really does know what love really is, but at least I understand that sex is so much better when there are feelings involved. I would pick making love over just fucking any day. This shit with it's just a basic need is complete bull. I'm sorry but playing with womens emotions is a god damn death wish. So, when you fall in love with that woman who is completely detached and won't open up with anything. I'm gonna need you to remember all those easy bitches you broke down and tore apart at the end of the day. She was one of them. She's been hurt twisted and broken it's because of some little boy like you. So when she breaks your heart imagine all the women you did it to before you. What the fuck is wrong with this world? Why can't love be love anymore without all this extra shit?

one day i may understand

Very few people get to know who I really am. I'm not as strong as I come off by far. Sometimes my comfort is found in the wrong people. Yes, I know that most of the people I keep close to me in my life are questionable. I need questionable people around me because I seem to be so easily hurt. I really do not want to be hurt anymore, but I ALWAYS pick the wrong guys. I don't talk about it with anyone. Most people don't understand. I'm jaded, bruised, battered, and broken to say the least. I smile, but it's so very fake. I lie because it's easier than being honest with myself. I hurt, but no one ever see's me cry. I have a past and I've been through hell. I know what I deserve, but no one is that honest and open. I accept peoples mistakes in their past, but not letting go of the past is not negotiable with me. I'm not an excuse to temporarily forget the past. I was so stupid when it came to him. I trusted the wrong person, and it's hard to forget. I said once dick is replaceable but it's the person who isn't. He did give me the strength to walk away from one hell of a train wreck of a relationship. Sometimes giving someone so much strength is easily misinterpreted. Seeing someone hurt as much as you do, someone who hides it just as well as you do makes you see that maybe you aren't alone in getting fucked over. I'm not going to hold onto someone anymore I'm just going to let it happen from now on. Forget the protection and the extra. Being an ass to push people away is no longer an option. Someone saw through my bull shit. Someone saw me smile and lets me play. I know I grew up fast and missed a big part of my childhood, but now I can make up for it and enjoy what life I've been blessed to receive. I'm done crying and pulling my hair out. What's the point of trying to please everyone else but myself anyway? Love is an odd thing and old wounds soon heal. It's almost like the most intense poker game I've ever played. I can read the person analyze and stack up the statistics but in the end sometimes I just don't have the right hand to walk away with the stack. Hi-Low my ass. Know the value of your cards and realize sometimes even the shit hands get lucky. I've been dealt one shit hand this round, but I'm still one lucky person. One day it maybe seen. Everything you throw away in life does nothing but become the fertilizer for the future to grow. Take a deep breath, and take a step back because, my love, I may have pocket two's but, the flop is about to turn the game in my hands.

Jesus H.

sometimes i really do wonder what the fuck im thinking when i pull some of the stupid shit i do i know i shouldnt have been this weak ever but damn i fall in love with an ass and in the process find someone else who seems to be a better match in the long run and who isnt afraid of commitment but the feelings are still there with the other one who pays me minimal amount of attention the other one seems flakey but someone who would be attached and not so distant i give up for this week when it comes to these baffled fools

I'm so done

i think im done trying to protect myself you cant live life trying to push everyone away from you which is what i've been doing for years i have a big heart but only one person has gotten to see it and even tho he did walk away from the situation and broke me im pretty sure im willing to go thru it again i want to be in love i want to give myself completely to him but he wont let any of it happen i dont get what he wanted and i most likely never will because he isnt open with me at all and yes it does break my heart that i never did anything ill to him and he reacted the way that he did and its worse hes willing to throw away a connection like that over rumors thats his choice and one day down the road he will realize what happened what he did and stop blaming me for every fucking problem that happened when all i did was hold him down and support him emotionally i was honest about what was happening with me but he wasnt honest with me but he thinks im the liar at the end of the night i havent seen him in a week at all last time this happened i saw him everywhere i saw a moving truck with a car that looked like his pulling out of his road part of me thinks he just completely left more of me thinks hes just really good at hiding so i'll keep doing what i have been doing and if our lives cross again i guess then i'll know he's okay until that happens i'll keep thinking he's still falling apart i just hope he stops doing all the stupid shit he was doing gets his life together and learns how to be happy

Anticipation

i've never lied to you but that one time im sorry my so called friends keep bugging you but in return of whatever the hell is going on in your head hurting me is not the answer no i dont really know what was said but i do know that i havent lied to you and i havent done anything to hurt you so maybe you really should have talked to me first show up in the middle of the night to see if im really alone dont call before you come over do whatever it is that you have to so that you believe me i trust you even if you've done more to compromise that than what i have in the past you're killing me right now and you know you are all you have to do is open your mouth and tell me what you really think and what you really feel i cant read your damned mind no matter how hard i try how am i supposed to know there are feelings involved when i tell you im in love with you and you tell me thats not what you wanted you know thats not what i wanted either but you still continue to exploit the fact that i do have feelings for you or at least thats how i was taking it but now i know its something a lot different tell me again it isnt about me when you proved that it was about me today im not a liar i dont cheat and i dont do anything to hurt you im tired of hurting and all i feel right now is a lot of pain im not used to having any type of feeling at the end of the day but with you thats all i really have is a lot of feelings for you and about you... you say you're going to call later but i dont think you will bc you always seem to tell me later and just let it go i want to know what im lying to you about i want you to be open and honest with me no matter what's going on you know i care more about you than i do about myself but you keep this going and hold on to it just as much as i do you ask questions bc you want me to say it to your face but i cant i need to breath but everyone says i need to walk away bc im getting too hurt from this situation when the truth is this is the first time i dont want to run i want to fight argue and whatever else it takes to make you realize that you're an amazing person that deserves the best and even tho that may mean you dont need me i still want you to have everything you want and need and i want you to be happy but im not going to let you think that im a liar when im not i may lie to a lot of people but you're not one of them i may hide a lot of shit from a lot of people but i dont from you i love you and i hate that i love you but i'll sit and i'll wait for you to call or for you to realize and in the mean time i'll continue to rip myself apart

Not Everything Is About You...

today hurt... to say the least anyway after 5 years it feels better to know that i can have some type of true emotion come out of me even if i dont really like the complete outcome of it right now so yes somewhere deep inside there is some type of heart but very few ever get to see it i just wish someone could break down this situation i need some type of explanation for what the hell is going on it goes back and forth so much it drives me nuts right now i feel like im strong enough to walk away from something that isnt good for me but i know the next time something happens i wont be strong enough to stay away it's like this is something that cant be stopped no matter how hard we both seem to try to stop it you know all my weaknesses tho you do nothing but tell me how strong i have to be to deal with the things i deal with on the day to day and with my job this isnt strength its a ticking time bomb just waiting and one day im going to break and you're going to see it then what happens

it's been a while

i didn't realize how much shit i hold inside and cover up until recently im broken over this situation and i honestly dont know how to cope with it anymore i walked away from one of my many stupid mistakes and walked right into someone who is seemingly perfect he doesnt judge me he makes me laugh but he falls apart just as much as i do but instead of holding onto something  he lets go of everything he's made probably just as many mistakes as i have in live but with some of them he cant exactly walk away from i am very understanding of that but what i dont understand is the constant feeling that nothing will ever come of this constant running around we both have been hurt a lot in the past and both dont want to be hurt again but what happens when the connection is bigger than that deeper than that i think i may have fallen completely for someone who is very good at deflecting the damage done where i really cant deflect when im hurt like right now i dont remember anyone ever hurting me this much just with the way they act all i want is to make this person happy because if anyone deserves it i really do believe it's him i cant make him happy not like he can with me he knows he can which makes it even better i keep telling myself be patient there is a reason for this only god knows what it is but there has to be a reason i went through so much bull shit in my life i figured i was just always going to be good at pushing people away but this is one person i cant push away and never have been able to and for some odd reason 9 months later he has a grip on my emotions which is something that no one ever has been able to do he says and does things that i just dont understand he can read what im thinking and always manages to hold my world together even as he's pushing me away constantly as i do with him but when i push he deflects and when he pushes i break this really is a never ending cycle with him