it's been a while

i didn't realize how much shit i hold inside and cover up until recently im broken over this situation and i honestly dont know how to cope with it anymore i walked away from one of my many stupid mistakes and walked right into someone who is seemingly perfect he doesnt judge me he makes me laugh but he falls apart just as much as i do but instead of holding onto something  he lets go of everything he's made probably just as many mistakes as i have in live but with some of them he cant exactly walk away from i am very understanding of that but what i dont understand is the constant feeling that nothing will ever come of this constant running around we both have been hurt a lot in the past and both dont want to be hurt again but what happens when the connection is bigger than that deeper than that i think i may have fallen completely for someone who is very good at deflecting the damage done where i really cant deflect when im hurt like right now i dont remember anyone ever hurting me this much just with the way they act all i want is to make this person happy because if anyone deserves it i really do believe it's him i cant make him happy not like he can with me he knows he can which makes it even better i keep telling myself be patient there is a reason for this only god knows what it is but there has to be a reason i went through so much bull shit in my life i figured i was just always going to be good at pushing people away but this is one person i cant push away and never have been able to and for some odd reason 9 months later he has a grip on my emotions which is something that no one ever has been able to do he says and does things that i just dont understand he can read what im thinking and always manages to hold my world together even as he's pushing me away constantly as i do with him but when i push he deflects and when he pushes i break this really is a never ending cycle with him