Anticipation

i've never lied to you but that one time im sorry my so called friends keep bugging you but in return of whatever the hell is going on in your head hurting me is not the answer no i dont really know what was said but i do know that i havent lied to you and i havent done anything to hurt you so maybe you really should have talked to me first show up in the middle of the night to see if im really alone dont call before you come over do whatever it is that you have to so that you believe me i trust you even if you've done more to compromise that than what i have in the past you're killing me right now and you know you are all you have to do is open your mouth and tell me what you really think and what you really feel i cant read your damned mind no matter how hard i try how am i supposed to know there are feelings involved when i tell you im in love with you and you tell me thats not what you wanted you know thats not what i wanted either but you still continue to exploit the fact that i do have feelings for you or at least thats how i was taking it but now i know its something a lot different tell me again it isnt about me when you proved that it was about me today im not a liar i dont cheat and i dont do anything to hurt you im tired of hurting and all i feel right now is a lot of pain im not used to having any type of feeling at the end of the day but with you thats all i really have is a lot of feelings for you and about you... you say you're going to call later but i dont think you will bc you always seem to tell me later and just let it go i want to know what im lying to you about i want you to be open and honest with me no matter what's going on you know i care more about you than i do about myself but you keep this going and hold on to it just as much as i do you ask questions bc you want me to say it to your face but i cant i need to breath but everyone says i need to walk away bc im getting too hurt from this situation when the truth is this is the first time i dont want to run i want to fight argue and whatever else it takes to make you realize that you're an amazing person that deserves the best and even tho that may mean you dont need me i still want you to have everything you want and need and i want you to be happy but im not going to let you think that im a liar when im not i may lie to a lot of people but you're not one of them i may hide a lot of shit from a lot of people but i dont from you i love you and i hate that i love you but i'll sit and i'll wait for you to call or for you to realize and in the mean time i'll continue to rip myself apart

Not Everything Is About You...

today hurt... to say the least anyway after 5 years it feels better to know that i can have some type of true emotion come out of me even if i dont really like the complete outcome of it right now so yes somewhere deep inside there is some type of heart but very few ever get to see it i just wish someone could break down this situation i need some type of explanation for what the hell is going on it goes back and forth so much it drives me nuts right now i feel like im strong enough to walk away from something that isnt good for me but i know the next time something happens i wont be strong enough to stay away it's like this is something that cant be stopped no matter how hard we both seem to try to stop it you know all my weaknesses tho you do nothing but tell me how strong i have to be to deal with the things i deal with on the day to day and with my job this isnt strength its a ticking time bomb just waiting and one day im going to break and you're going to see it then what happens

it's been a while

i didn't realize how much shit i hold inside and cover up until recently im broken over this situation and i honestly dont know how to cope with it anymore i walked away from one of my many stupid mistakes and walked right into someone who is seemingly perfect he doesnt judge me he makes me laugh but he falls apart just as much as i do but instead of holding onto something  he lets go of everything he's made probably just as many mistakes as i have in live but with some of them he cant exactly walk away from i am very understanding of that but what i dont understand is the constant feeling that nothing will ever come of this constant running around we both have been hurt a lot in the past and both dont want to be hurt again but what happens when the connection is bigger than that deeper than that i think i may have fallen completely for someone who is very good at deflecting the damage done where i really cant deflect when im hurt like right now i dont remember anyone ever hurting me this much just with the way they act all i want is to make this person happy because if anyone deserves it i really do believe it's him i cant make him happy not like he can with me he knows he can which makes it even better i keep telling myself be patient there is a reason for this only god knows what it is but there has to be a reason i went through so much bull shit in my life i figured i was just always going to be good at pushing people away but this is one person i cant push away and never have been able to and for some odd reason 9 months later he has a grip on my emotions which is something that no one ever has been able to do he says and does things that i just dont understand he can read what im thinking and always manages to hold my world together even as he's pushing me away constantly as i do with him but when i push he deflects and when he pushes i break this really is a never ending cycle with him