one day i may understand

Very few people get to know who I really am. I'm not as strong as I come off by far. Sometimes my comfort is found in the wrong people. Yes, I know that most of the people I keep close to me in my life are questionable. I need questionable people around me because I seem to be so easily hurt. I really do not want to be hurt anymore, but I ALWAYS pick the wrong guys. I don't talk about it with anyone. Most people don't understand. I'm jaded, bruised, battered, and broken to say the least. I smile, but it's so very fake. I lie because it's easier than being honest with myself. I hurt, but no one ever see's me cry. I have a past and I've been through hell. I know what I deserve, but no one is that honest and open. I accept peoples mistakes in their past, but not letting go of the past is not negotiable with me. I'm not an excuse to temporarily forget the past. I was so stupid when it came to him. I trusted the wrong person, and it's hard to forget. I said once dick is replaceable but it's the person who isn't. He did give me the strength to walk away from one hell of a train wreck of a relationship. Sometimes giving someone so much strength is easily misinterpreted. Seeing someone hurt as much as you do, someone who hides it just as well as you do makes you see that maybe you aren't alone in getting fucked over. I'm not going to hold onto someone anymore I'm just going to let it happen from now on. Forget the protection and the extra. Being an ass to push people away is no longer an option. Someone saw through my bull shit. Someone saw me smile and lets me play. I know I grew up fast and missed a big part of my childhood, but now I can make up for it and enjoy what life I've been blessed to receive. I'm done crying and pulling my hair out. What's the point of trying to please everyone else but myself anyway? Love is an odd thing and old wounds soon heal. It's almost like the most intense poker game I've ever played. I can read the person analyze and stack up the statistics but in the end sometimes I just don't have the right hand to walk away with the stack. Hi-Low my ass. Know the value of your cards and realize sometimes even the shit hands get lucky. I've been dealt one shit hand this round, but I'm still one lucky person. One day it maybe seen. Everything you throw away in life does nothing but become the fertilizer for the future to grow. Take a deep breath, and take a step back because, my love, I may have pocket two's but, the flop is about to turn the game in my hands.