Suffocated thoughts....

Society says we aren't supposed to think or say a lot of different things in life. Here is the truth it isn't society that says we don't have to think or say these things it's the weak mind we allow ourselves to have. To be honest I'm not scared to things that manage to come out when I write. I'm to weak to be rejected. Yes, at some point I fell in love with this complicated man who in the end may just love me back. That's the worst and scariest thing I've encountered. I don't care what anyone says it is so much easier to love someone who doesn't love you back than it is to love someone that still loves you regardless of what flaws you may have. I have more flaws than what I really should have but I let these men ruin who I really am. I've been trying for more than a year now to get back to who I really am and it tends to be more difficult than what it really should be. I have so many twisted thoughts in my head that I just can't seem to let out in fear of rejection. Like right now I should be next to him and instead I'm glued to music and this god damn blog that can't give me a response. This one songs seems to hit me the hardest making me remember shit I don't want to remember. I stay glued like I know what I think he wants but, still again here I am watching him making these beats that are a major piece of my inspiration in my life which is another thing I just won't tell him. I do everything I can to try and hide everything from him that I can. I want to tell him why it is that I'm crazy as fuck but just can't let everything that needs to come out just come out. I play a game and make him guess. I don't want to make him guess anymore. I could do so much to make this shit better but I just tend to refuse to do anything the way I'm supposed to. I write and write trying to tell myself it's okay to keep everything inside instead of being honest and real. Let's just put on this front.