Tired....

I have tried over and over to make sense of this entire situation. It doesn't make any sense. I'm angry and hurt and I've finally managed to run out of things to say. Are you really this stupid? Can you really not open your eyes? In your mind you've fallen behind and we both know this. I've ignored so many signs I really should have paid attention to. I know I'm a strong person, but I'm not this strong anymore. I've been through this shit before, but this is stinging a little deeper than it should. Everything has gone so fast that I've managed to lose track of what was happening in front of me. Do I sit back and wait for you to make your decision? Or should I just walk away completely? Walking away seems to be the easiest, but it isn't what my heart is telling me to do anymore. I'm still here. I always have been here. You've been everywhere but where you should have been. This shit kills me. You know it does. I'm making all these changes, and giving you  my best. You're giving me your best and your worst. I want to be done but something keeps pulling me back. I know what you're going through. I did it too. I just don't want to be a pawn in your fucked up game. I saw what I did to my ex and my possibility when I went through this and in the end I lost everyone. I managed to push away everyone. The first person I let in is doing the same thing to me I've done to someone else. I guess this is karma right? Praying isn't getting me anywhere anymore. I've said this over and over before.... I lost my hope for my knight in shinning armor a long long time ago. Every little girl wants that man to sweep her off her feet. I wanted that too but lost it somewhere in translation. I've gotten to the point that I can't even talk about how I feel anymore. I rely on this bull shit blog to vent what really should be said. I don't and do want you to find this. I want you to see this torment you're putting me through. Even on this my thoughts are shielded. I avoid the fact that I very well could be in love with this ass hole who was just supposed to be something to pass the time. I don't understand if I'm getting older so shit is getting more intense with every person I meet.... Or if this is really some type of elevated emotion. Fuck this elevated emotion bull shit. I just can't keep going through all these mixed emotions and manage to keep it together. Make up your fucking mind. It really can't be that god damn difficult in the end. I mean damn you get everything you ask of me. Everything! I get nothing without some force behind it. SMDH. I can't even begin to break this down and make sense of it. I think I maybe done trying. Please just realize I'm trying and I expect you to be doing the same.