Still standing...

My agitation level appears to be running much higher than what it really should be. I'm not sure what to do with all these thoughts that appear to be running through my head. It's hard just to get them to stop. I'm pretty sure this is why I've never been sober. Drinking is more than just my outlet it's my sanity. It tends to get everything in my head to just stop. After last night I've realized I just want out of all these fucked up situations. I left one in the past without hesitation. There was a lot of pain involved in that entire situation. It wasn't even love that's the best part. It was an odd sense of security. Instead of letting go of the past and growing this person decided to keep running back to the person who did all that damage to them. I've grown apart from being able to hold onto elevated feelings at this point. I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm known for running from my feelings and giving people much more than what they deserve. I have this faithful complex that I just cannot sleep with more than one person in any given period of time. I can only give my body to one man for any extended time period. The trick is I fuck with no feelings involved. The second I start to realize there are feelings involved from either side I tend to run from them. With this new man despite whatever feelings there are from either side I'm still standing here. I have no idea what the fuck I'm thinking anymore. At first I was too drunk that I couldn't grasp how intense it was getting. Now I'm sober and remain here even though my mind is telling me to walk away before he manages to get the rest of the way into my fucked up mind. Some bigger part of me is telling me to just wait and see what happens with him. I know most of my family will walk away from me if something comes from this situation. I think in my mind I don't even give a fuck anymore. I'm tired of living my life to make everyone else happy. I don't want to wake up one day and regret not living for myself. So, I'm staying and seeing where this will end up. Part of me knows I'm going to end up crushed by this man who's just as mean and fucked up in the head as I am. He has managed to become such a large part of my life without me even realizing it. He is becoming and inspiration to become a better and stronger person. He is managing to change things about me that have needed to change for years but I refused to allow to change. People around me are seeing this change and really aren't sure how to take it anymore. It's a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. I always said I would never change for any man. I see something so different in this man though he does tend to try and put on a front. He is a beautiful and caring person but manages to be evil at the same time. I don't think I can really say anything at this point because I have been the same way for years at this point. I let someone from my past cause too much damage to my heart to let someone in. I'm giving him all of me without having control over it. I have stopped everything I've been doing to cope with my past at this point and these ideas and emotions are rushing in. I find myself more able to be happy now without forcing it. I've been miserable for years. Living in my head because it seems safer and now I'm blurting out these ideas and thoughts like they're nothing with him. He has given me a real sense of safety and I have no idea where it is coming from. It's odd to be honest. So many men have come in and out of my life attempting to make me into this perfect person for them and have all failed. This man comes into my life on accident and creates this outlet to allow me to become better. I don't even think he manages to realize the pull he has on me and what he really is doing to me. He points out my faults with a gentleness no one has ever done before. All this just makes me want to change it knowing that it makes me a heartless and careless human. I catch myself thinking about him and knowing something good will happen if we both let it. This idea is what tends to scare me the most. I've been lost for more than 7 years and seem to be finding where I am supposed to be in my life and wanting to strive for better. After 4 months of going through hell with this man for no reason. I will not let this lesson or blessing become a waste.