I've had this conversation over and over with so many different people. Why did I go so soft? That has to be the best question I've heard in years. Sometime between people around me dieing and getting my nursing license I found my heart. Since I apparently need to go back to being my hateful self just in order to protect myself from these dumb ass men who constantly keep walking in and out of my life I may just try it. I do have this thing with finding some worthless ass men to surround myself with. Opening up to someone isn't going to happen anymore. I think I've managed to learn my lesson this time. I am now stuck in a fucked up situation with a man that will most likely not amount to much of anything with someone who was just about the same equivalent trying to walk back in on some honesty shit. Should have been straight up from the start. I could have ruined that little boys life by telling his baby's mother what exactly he was doing. I chose not to thinking that feelings were too deep and too in the way to ruin someones family. Eventually karma came back around to bite him in the ass. This is the thing with that I never thought he would be dumb enough to try and come around me like that again. That difficult ass man decides to talk to me and try to rekindle an old situation despite his baby mother living with him and him trying to work something out with her. Are all men this fucking stupid or just the ones I tend to meet? With this individual he was wrong to go back to her honestly. She cheated. She threw away the entire relationship and family for a man who made more money. So, is she going to change? Fuck no! His mistake. I'm not going to tell him shit just watch the crash and burn. No, I'm not going to let him come back into my life, ever. I give him respect on the fact he managed to give me the strength to walk away from a fucked up abusive as hell relationship I never thought I would be able to get away from. I thought I was stuck and the only way I was going to get out was in a casket. I was going through hell and not willing to keep it up anymore. It was a point in my life where one man managed to take away everything I had. Not just all the material things that you think you need he managed to take away my safety. He took away any vision I had of myself and took me to one of the darkest places I've been. This guy walked into my life and dragged me away from all of it. So, for that, I do thank him from the bottom of my heart and I know this. I have yet to let him know any of that and that's where all those feelings came from. If I die tomorrow I hope someone would tell him.
Now, this new one is something odd. Everyone says it's love, but we can say fuck that entire situation. It's an overbearing situation that I have no idea what to do with. He gives me some strength, but takes away some of my sanity in payment. I don't understand him and he can't even begin to understand me. Every time I'm willing to explain some of what I've been through that explains why the fuck I seem to be so difficult he won't let me. So, fuck him. It's been 3 months of dealing with him and he knows how to manipulate the situation in his favor. I'll give him credit for that. He gets what he needs from me but I feel like I don't get shit from him in return. So, since nothing seems to be changing in the ways it needs to be changing. If I don't get that respect from him he won't get it from me. That's the only think I can figure to do anymore. I know his reaction will be to say fuck it and walk away. If he cares as much as he tries to make me believe he cares he wouldn't be so quick to walk away. I'm starting to think he must be an idiot. I let him get to know me, the real me, not the fake bitch everyone else seems to see. I'm loyal, faithful, honest. I fuck up yes, but I don't hide it. I'm a flirt I don't always mean to and really have no interest in most of the men I flirt with it's just in my personality. Oops. I try to fix it but he doesn't give it back so fuck it. I'm going back to my hateful antisocial ways to avoid all the bull shit. I'm tired of losing my sanity over a man who doesn't know what he has in front of him. Who knows he's a dog but doesn't see you don't have to dip your dick to create another fucked up situation with women. I'm done with feeding into the extra bull shit. Somewhere along this long ass road from that abusive relationship I'm finding my strength in myself again. So, thank you to everyone who held me down, and made it clear I was worth so much more.
No comments:
Post a Comment